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By: Ian Essling
During March, Waubonsee played unwilling host to a number of legendary, mythological figures. No, I am not speaking about the violent sandhill crane and his goose armada, which have taken up battle stations near Collins Hall.
In fact, the interlopers on Waubonsee's campus were none other than the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, here straight from the bottom of the ocean, where they had been entertaining themselves by starting wars between mermaid colonies.
Insight was able to obtain an exclusive interview with the Horsemen, and we are proud to present it to you in this issue.
According to their leader, Death, the Four Horsemen planned to use Waubonsee's campus as a "test run" to see how the population would accept the coming apocalypse.
"Since Waubonsee is so diverse, we figured it was an accurate cross section of society. The Mayans were all claiming that [the apocalypse] is coming in 2012, but honestly, I'm impatient and I wanted to get my feet wet," said Death. "Waubonsee is now 'where futures take shape,' right? Well, my future is the apocalypse, so what better place to start?"
Of course, before the Horsemen could begin, they had to actually get inside the buildings. Ironically, the biggest problems the Horsemen faced didn't even involve an unwilling populace or violent resistance. Instead, it was a logistical problem.
"There was no parking! We come in the middle of the school day, to get maximum saturation, and the only parking spots left are way up in this so-called 'west lot.' They expect us to leave our horses up there? Frankly, I doubt they'd be safe that far from the building," said a disgusted Pestilence, who went on to explain that War had an even more difficult parking experience.
"The fool tried to follow some students around to get a better parking spot; I guess you mortals would call it 'stalking,' but I call it unfair. You would think that people would be more receptive to us coming. I mean, red carpet, foreign dignitary treatment, that sort of thing. After all, we're the Four Horsemen! We're legendary!"
When reminded that he never explained what happened to War, Pestilence elaborated, "Right, War. Well, he was running around the lots right up by the building, and without warning, there's a campus police car behind him, lights blazing and everything. He got a ticket! A ticket! I wouldn't try to talk to him; he's pretty dang mad about it."
As Death explained, each one of the Horsemen had a specific goal to accomplish on campus. "It was a four-pronged assault," he said with a grin, "We weren't going to let anything slip through the cracks."
Pestilence was supposed to poison the food available to students, but he reported that his job was unnecessary.
"You see the [garbage] students are eating out of the vending machines? I'm immortal, and I wouldn't eat half that stuff," he said sourly. "There's nothing for me to do now but put my Ipod headphones into my ears and walk around campus glaring at everyone."
On top of managing the other Horsemen, Death claimed it was his duty to make sure certain parties on campus were dead in spirit by the time he left. "Of course, it didn't work too well for me; they were already dead! Maybe they didn't look it on the outside, but I could see it on the inside. It was pathetic!"
Famine was the first Horsemen to venture to the second floor of Von Ohlen hall and thus the first to meet up with Insight. "Someone told me it was sort of a rough and tumble place up there, a lawless society, so I thought I would check it out for myself," he claimed.
He visited with the Insight staff for several minutes, and finally agreed to an interview. "I told [Insight] I would do an interview, and that I would convince [the other Horsemen] to do the same, but only if they would let me spread just a little bit of famine in their office. Turns out, I am so good at my job, I had already done it without even coming here!"
Famine was referring to the startling lack of drinks and food in the Insight office, which had been fully stocked prior to this month.
Although he took credit for it, Insight's official statement explains that a 'misunderstanding' with administration about the Insight bank account is to blame for the lack of sustenance.
Regardless of the source, Famine was happy; reportedly, he entertained the Insight staff with a variant of the macarena, followed by a break-dance routine.
As for War, he was finally able to join his fellow Horsemen nearly an hour after he was pulled over.
He promptly turned his anger with campus police into a strategy to strike back, and he actually signed registration papers to attend Waubonsee.
"I figured, if I am going to sow the seeds of discord, then where better to do it then the inside?" he explained. His plans were thwarted, however, when he took the Math placement test and was placed in MTH060. | 
