| Published: Waubonsee Insight |
| Date: November 2006 |
| Section: Opinion/Editorial |
| Comments: |
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By: Ian Essling
11. Practicing capitalism and using the word "God" are declared Federal crimes.
10. Ted Kennedy legalizes the murder of hookers and adds "365 Bottles of Scotch" to his yearly salary.
9. Michael Moore is appointed head of the US Department of Health. Within six weeks, average life expectancy of an American citizen drops to 30.
8. Nancy Pelosi bans all video games and movies rated higher than "E." Anyone caught watching a forbidden movie will be forced to discuss the meaning of the word "plan" with John Kerry.
7. The national anthem is changed from "The Star Spangled Banner" to "Sunshine Lollipops and Rainbows."
6. Democrats pass a law abolishing national borders. Crime rises by 320% as illegal immigration reaches an all-time high. Mexico also gains veto power over all U.S. actions.
5. Al Qaeda establishes a firebase on the Capitol steps; Capitol Hill apologizes for existing.
4. Kim Jong Il nukes China, Japan, Taiwan and Russia, but the U.S. does not intervene because the United Nations has determined that a military retaliation is too "provocative." Canada is then taken over by militant forces from Honduras when the Democrats refuse to come to their aid without U.N. permission.
3. After pulling troops out of Iraq and watching the government of the country crumble, Congress is surprised when Iraq changes its name to "Terrorists 'R Us: No Group is Too Radical."
2. Al Gore tries to install "An Inconvenient Truth" as the new constitution of the country. When he fails, he tears his suit to ribbons, eats it, and runs out the door alternately yelling "in-her-net" and making some sort of bestial roar.
1. Osama Bin Laden comes out of hiding, proclaiming, "Finally! I no longer have to worry about being killed by the U.S.!"
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